Divorce is Painful. Children feel hurt and helpless when parents divorce. They are emotionally attached to both parents, and most children want their parents to stay together. When divorce occurs, children, as well as parents, go through a grieving process which engenders feelings of disbelief, anger, sadness, and depression. Children experience a number of losses, including the loss of important relationships with family members and friends, changes in environment, loss of traditions established by the intact family, and loss of what the children themselves were like before the breakup of the family.

Parents experience hurt and helplessness from what happened during the marriage, events that occurred at the time of separation, and the divorce process. Divorce is an extremely difficult time, and parents tend to blame each other for problems. They sometimes do and say terrible things to each other and are unaware of the negative impact their behavior has on children.

Legal aspects of divorce are easier to deal with than the emotional upheaval of divorce and the feelings that arise from the death of a relationship. Anger, disappointment, hurt, grief, and a desire for revenge are some normal reactions. Emotional turmoil can interfere with the mom and dad roles even though the husband and wife roles have ended.

How Children Come Through The Divorce is due in large measure to the parents’ relationship after the divorce and parents’ relationships with their children. Parents’ attitudes and actions make a big difference in how children adjust to divorce. Parents may not be able to be friends after the divorce. However, the unfinished business of raising their children can be productive if the parents are civil and business-like in their dealings with each other and promote positive relationships with their children.

When a family experiences divorce, it may take months or years for feelings and behavior to stabilize. While the grief process in adjusting to the death of a relationship can be different for each family member, parents and children gradually pass through several stages. The stages may occur in any order, and some individuals may deal with the issues more than once.

DENIAL – In the beginning, it may be hard to believe that the divorce is happening. Denial protects against shock. It insulates from fear about the changes in the family unit and the feelings of rejection, loneliness, and depression. Some people react by becoming withdrawn and isolated. Others become highly active to block out the pain. Children may pretend the divorce isn’t occurring or act as if it doesn’t affect them.

BARGAINING – Parents may have thoughts about ways that the relationship may be saved. A parent may ask the other parent to become involved in counseling, to stop engaging in some behavior or to participate in activities together. Some people may make a deal with themselves to do something they believe will save the marriage or help them overcome the loss of the relationship. Children may promise parents to do chores or be good to try to save the relationship. They may try to reunite their parents.

ANGER – Parents realize that needs have not been met in the relationship. Anger surfaces. Anger may be directed toward self or others. Children may be angry at either or both parents, themselves, and siblings. They may act out or lash out verbally.

DEPRESSION – Parents have sadness in admitting that the relationship is over. Fear about being alone surfaces. These feelings are draining and make it difficult to think about the future. Children may cry frequently or become withdrawn.

ACCEPTANCE – In time, adjustment to the changes results in feeling better. Anger, grief, and guilt dissolve, and focus on the future becomes possible. Life is more stable and hope emerges.